Stuff black people don’t do #1

I feel like I’m always the person at that has to tell my Caucasian peeps things that black people do not participate in on a regular basis. It’s like a set of unwritten rules that I’m constantly spewing out at random times. So today at lunch there was myself, my melanin brotha and 2 of our fair skin coworkers. The topic for some reason was brought up about Ouija board. This is some sort of board with letters numbers and words that I’m assuming you ask the Ouija board a question and it spells out the answer. Now the only black people I know who played with it was on the TV show Martin and that was for a check, other than that issa no. So the fair skin peeps were just talking about all of the times they played with and that it was fun. Sis idk what part of playing with the spirit world is fun. I had to inform her black people don’t mess with the spirits and that our parents don’t play that either. Spirits and all of that are real things to me and I for one am not trying to wake them up from the nap they are having so they can come mess with me it’s just a huge no for me. This is why in the movies the fair skin peeps should listen to us black folk and not go into the dark rooms or to not look back and fall when your running. Just get the hell out the way and dodge. 

Advertisements

I hate Potlucks 

Today is the potluck at work for Thanksgiving and I wasn’t too thrilled about it. You never know how someone keeps there house or the type of animals they have climbing all over there counters. With that being said I was comfortable eating some things and I do mean some things. Like store brought things or something from someone I trust. So I’m eating my food talking to my melanin brotha about who knows and Carol walks over and said “is that good” she was a damn centimeter from my food. IMMEDIATELY I got completely turned off from my food and threw the rest away. First of all Carol I’m just wondering why you had the audacity to think that it was okay to basically touch my food with your nasty ass fingers. I really don’t understand why she thought it was okay to do that. So being me I’m like “yea just touch my food Carol thanks” . So she says “I didn’t touch it I just pointed to it” and proceeded to point to my food again a centimeter from it. This hoe obviously didn’t learn from the first time. I don’t go touching other people’s food Carol and you shouldn’t either. Now since I know she is free with her fingers ima keep my eye on her because the next time she try it ima smack the…. Well you know outta her. 

Happy Thanksgiving or whatever! 

Privileged Much? 

I like my job. It comes with so many perks like free tickets to many events throughout the year that I share with my family and friends. So a perk of my job happened to be on Wednesday night while I was dead tired from partying Tuesday night (that’s another story). My husband accompanied me to this event where you can taste food and drinks from many vendors at a venue in Philadelphia. So we are leaving event and get in line for coat check. Two of my fellow melanated queens get off the elevator and hop in front of the line because they thought we were waiting for the elevator. Honest mistake. So this tipsy almost drunk extra ass white guy walks to the couple who were in front of us and shouted “you’re too nice” and then proceeds to jump in front of everyone while yelling profanity. The two queens were like very nice in his situation and they were telling him they didn’t know they were in line and he didn’t care. Now here’s what pissed me off. The fact that he had the audacity to yell at someone from cutting the line and he ended up cutting the line? Like what. You went through all that to call people out about cutting the line (I think he was so mad because they were black but ya know) and you did the same thing an no one went off on you but that’s privilege. 

Road Raging 

Good morning everyone. I hope you are all having a great morning as you are reading this. I am NOT! Why you ask? Well this saddle tramp in a Red Hyundai Sonata is the reason. Me and the hubby are driving to work and we get to a point where one lane turns into 2 lanes and then back into 1. So. I’m in the right lane that is merging and 2 cars wouldn’t let me merge so I beep my horn and continue to drive. This loose neck heffa decides to drive extra slow because I beeped my horn at her because I had no choice but to merge. So again the one lane breaks into 2 lanes and this lady moves over when I do and then slams on her break almost causing and accident. Now I’m infuriated at this point. Number 1 you’re being childish and petty but I’m the Queen if you didn’t know. Now I wanna get revenge on this hoe but my turn comes up. Now everytime I see a red Hyundai Sonata I’m not letting them over or in front of me when I drive ima be mean and petty. One apple spoiled it for the rest of the bunch and anyone who drives a Red Hyundai Sonata has to suffer because of this lady. Thank that hoe! 

Social Media and work 

I really don’t understand why people care about what someone thinks or writes about them on Facebook or Instagram. It’s SOCIAL MEDIA! So peep what happen. Me and Molly are in my car going to Chipotle and she is telling me how she wants to unfriend Carol on Facebook but she doesn’t want her to know or for anyone else to say anything about her unfriending her on Facebook. So I don’t see a problem. If you want to unfriend her then do it. I certainly don’t care or needed to know about it. I have a firm policy that I do not friend those that I work with because of this issue. I don’t need Carol and Sue at the water cooler discussing what they saw on my Facebook page and I certainly am not, will not and shall not be censoring what I post or write because of coworkers. Not that I write or post anything disrespectful but if I post a picture from an outing over the weekend I don’t need you critiquing how short my skirt was or how low the neck line on my shirt was. To avoid that I just don’t friend those whom I work with. With that being said there are those who have been an exception to the rule because I know I don’t have to worry about anything from that chosen person. We don’t discuss what each other posts on social media. We like the picture might send a funny meme and keep it moving. I don’t understand people and social media and why it’s taken as serious as it is. Sis relax it’s really not that deep. Unfriend shorty and keep it moving son tis’ all. 

Beat thine child 

Let me give yall thine tea Huntyyyy!!!! So Marty at the job has a daughter who is about 8 years old. This little girl is a hot mess. Marty comes in the office and I ask how his daughter is doing. He proceeds to tell me this story of how he took her to McDonald’s. So the little demon child gets in his car and the seed of chucky starts to have a temper tantrum because she didn’t like the music that was playing. She starts running down the street once they stop. He has to run to catch her. He’s in his late 50’s so he’s no spring chicken. Now if this was any of us 🍫 then I’m sure our parents would have tore our behinds up. Some of my fair skin peeps got whooped as well I know for sure but it’s uncommon. But don’t yall know chucky hot McDonald’s!!! Chile I was flabbergasted. Like you still got her what she wanted and she ain’t get a beaten. This demon child also takes his phone out his hands because she wants to watch Netflix or whatever. I’m like just change the password to your phone if she takes it without you knowing. He’s like she will figure out the code. Pardon me Marty… Now I’m confused whose the parent and whose the child because clearly the order is out of wack. Now I know everyone doesn’t believe in whoopings and that’s fine but I told him he needs to do something because if he don’t she gone be whooping his ass. 

Thou shalt knuck if you buck 

Yall I’m sick…. Molly was listening to a hip hop station on Google play and had thee entire nerve to tell me that she skipped Knuck if you buck. I wanted to kick her out my office. Sis need to know that’s the black national anthem and it’s one of the commandments thou shalt knuck if you buck. I gotta teach sis everything like get your life in order. Yall know I had to run and tell my melanin brotha about it and he nearly fell out the chair. So on the way to lunch I played knuck if you buck and she loved it. 1 more point for the culture! My job is complete.